How to deal with people who only love to talk but refuse to listen

In order to maintain healthy relationships, it is important for both the partners to listen to each other. They can feel distant and undervalued when they are not heard, leading to more complicated problems.

We often find ourselves in situations when we are speaking to someone but even before we are done, the other person cut us in between and are now talking about something not relevant to the conversation. Whether in a professional situation or personal life, dealing with people who don’t seem to listen can be challenging and frustrating.

We all know such people who want us to listen to them patiently but when its our turn to speak, they become restless and are just not able to listen without interrupting.

This behavior can be demonstration due to various reasons such as having a talkative nature, know-it-all attitude, impatience, anxiety, or simply a lack of interest in active listening.

However, before we entirely blame them, hold on. Both stakeholders can be at fault in this case. The non-listener may irritate you with their poor listening skills (after all, we all want to be heard), but it’s also crucial to express how this behavior affects you and ask them to improve.

Additionally, you should work on your communication skills, especially if you tend to repeat yourself, which can be seen as a sign of nervousness or lack of confidence, prompting the other person to want to take over.

The Consequences

If someone continues not to listen despite being told about their behavior, they shouldn’t be surprised if they face alienation or avoidance from those around them, including friends, partners, and colleagues.

“They may feel neglected or irrelevant, which can cause dissatisfaction and a lack of trust. Ignorance of others can lead to emotional distancing and unresolved disputes in relationships,” says Dr Munia Bhattacharya, a consultant psychologist at Marengo Asia Hospital, Gurugram.

Partners can feel distant and undervalued when they are not heard, leading to more significant problems. Effective communication is crucial for healthy connections, and active listening is a vital part of it.

Dr Bhattacharya adds that cultivating effective listening skills is essential for maintaining and fostering healthy relationships.

“People are more likely to trust, respect, and feel intimate when they are heard and understood. On the other hand, neglecting to listen can weaken the foundation of any relationship, increasing the risk of emotional distress and possible breakups,” she says.

So, why do some people don’t listen?

“The reasons may range from learned behavior due to past experiences or childhood to personality traits like being hyper and aggressive, and anxiety,” says a psychologist and psychotherapist from Mumbai. Often, it is defensiveness, unwillingness to admit mistakes, or simply not valuing others’ perspectives that lead to poor listening.

“Disorders such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can make it difficult to focus and listen for extended periods,” adds Dr Bhattacharya.

How to Deal With Such People

At the onset you can’t control whether a person listens to your words but there are strategies you can adopt to deal with people who don’t listen:

Ask more questions: Engage the person you’re talking to with open-ended questions. “When explaining something, give the other person a chance to follow up with questions. This helps keep the conversation balanced,” suggests Dr Bhattacharya.

Communicate how you feel: Don’t expect them to understand your hurt feelings due to their lack of listening. Tell them how you feel without sounding offensive. “Use ‘I’ phrases, such as, ‘I feel unheard when I share my thoughts, and you don’t respond,’” advises Dr Bhattacharya. Inform them of the potential consequences if they don’t change.

Show them what listening looks like: Actively listen to them and demonstrate what effective listening means. “Show that you are listening to them as well. Nod, make eye contact, and respond appropriately to their points,” suggests Dr Bhattacharya.

Be patient yet persistent: Consider repeating important points to reinforce your message while ensuring not to make the repetition unnecessary.

Don’t lose your calm: Anger and frustration when not being listened to can make the other person defensive and less likely to listen. Maintain a calm posture and let the other person speak it out as much as they want. By doing so, you are slowly taking control of the situation and this invested time is going to be helpful to you in future conversations with that person who now fully understands the strength of your personality.

You should also remember the things that you can control – like the timing of conversation, the way you talk and your expectations.

“We should speak at the right time. If the person is tired, upset, sick, or very busy, we can’t expect them to be readily available to talk. Always ask when they are free to talk. It’s also advisable to inform them about the topic of discussion and its importance, so they are mentally prepared, especially when it’s a serious topic,” suggests Priyanka Kapoor.

Avoid attacking them, with negative words, if you think a person doesn’t listen to you.

“Additionally, we should avoid too much lecturing and repetition. No one would like to listen if it goes on and on for too long. Hence stick to the point and finish it,” Kapoor says.

Remember, patience is key. Set boundaries and seek compromise.